Friday, December 10, 2010

Reinvention at 41

I've written often of the trauma my family has suffered - some of it similar to what other families experience (Adam's graduation) and some of it particular to my family (mother's issues). 

My mother left her home in December 2007.  It's now December 2010. 

What a difference three years makes.

I let myself be a victim of so many things other people were doing and somehow lost myself.  It took time to stop feeling buffeted and stand up in my own skin - and then it took more time to decide I wanted a different story.  The longest, most difficult part of the journey?  Taking the step forward necessary to reinvent myself.

I feel like I've taken the step.

I started school in September.  I've always wanted to be an historian - to be paid to spend my time thinking and theorizing and learning.  I'm on my way and loving every blessed minute of this long-awaited journey.

I stopped the habit of being a daughter, and became a woman.  I moved the needs of my family - the Joe-Adam-Jakob family - above the needs of my natal family and their daily work. 

I quit being a future business owner and started being an employee.  My family's business isn't the focus of my world anymore.  Gee.  It never should have been - and don't we all hate that "should" word?  I still care about what I do, but I care about it for eight hours a day rather than twenty-four.  Guess what?  The earth still revolves around the sun.

I committed to being the best wife I can be, and my husband tells me he's blessed.

I promised to let my boys go be men, and they are better men than I hoped they'd be.

I decided to care for myself.  To grow spiritually and not just do what feels safe.  To achieve strength of mind and not hide in diversion.  To develop a strong body and not abuse it because I can.  I'm in training and I love every minute of it (well, except the scale part).

I let myself be me in every way, including my hair color. 

Me in the morning.

Me in the afternoon.

And I'm happy with me because I think maybe what I've done is taken more than just a step.  Thank God. 

No comments:

Post a Comment