Whenever I completed an activity, I highlighted it or scribbled across the note. Important stuff I left unmarked. The notebooks are a really great record of the trials and triumphs of the last few years.
I haven't used the notebooks in a long time. Today, though, I spent some time paging through them. I was making sure everything was closed out before throwing them in storage... or maybe
Then again, maybe I'll keep them, so I can remember that often during my day, I think of Jesus.
In one notebook I found some notes I made while reading a book about daughters of alcoholics. Boy, is this me.
- She believes she can control chaotic situations.
- She is always on guard for the worst to happen.
- She gears actions in outward attempt to control her environment.
- She is dependent and dutiful with little sense of her own identity.
- She adapts to the needs of others, neglecting her own needs or she rebels against society.
- She appears to be a strong, successful woman with a need for power, but feels success is meaningless.
- She is exhausted and empty.
- She feels isolated.
- She becomes a people pleaser.
- She has rage.
- She understands personal criticism as a threat to her well-being.
- She is a reactor not an actor.
I did that in every arena of my life. Even while playing the piano. If a soloist or instrumentalist screwed up, I assumed it was my error that created the mistake. I did it in much larger ways too - accepting full responsibility for problems at work, apologizing for disagreements with friends, feeling like a failure when my boys were naughty...
At least that used to be me.
I'm glad I'm learning a different way to live. I particularly enjoy my rather spectacular failures. And I'm thankful when I fail, Joe is there to grin and hug me and say, "Try again." My boys are good at that too.
My notebooks were always a good place to vent too. I made a list of "Snotty Little Bitch Persons" one day. There's only one person on the list, and, boy, did she deserve to be on that list. The one underneath is a list of My Favorite People in the Entire World. There are more people on that list, some of whom are no longer my favorites. Top honors that day went to a guy named Jim from the IRS. How ironic.