Friday, February 5, 2016


I had a friend who was a copy cat.  She bought the same jewelry I bought, painted her nails the same way I did, and did everything I did.  She coveted all I had.

I made the mistake of annoying her by standing in the way of something she desperately wanted, and I believe that prompted her to turn her attention to my husband.

Don't get me wrong.  My husband made his own choices.  In fact, I believe I helped point him in her direction.  I wrote about that in another post.

My girlfriend didn't fall into a relationship accidentally.  She first tried to engage my husband and I in partner swapping. That started at the end of 2009.

The ugly horror of what the two of them did to my children, my sister, and my dad is laid out in a 252-page text message that was on the file server at work. It was never protected or hidden.  Since Joe casually gave his user name and passwords to everyone who worked there, anyone could have read it.

I learned so much that saved my sanity and restored my trust in my own instinct and inclination. 

It was no accidental coming together for them, but intentionally orchestrated by her. He fell for it.

It was nothing beautifully loving, but a freak show fueled by pornography, whips, and vibrating butt plugs.

It was nothing honest or spiritual, but spiteful and mean-spirited.

In the end what happened was good for me.  Things needed to happen exactly the way they did to free me from a life I didn't know how to fix, and didn't want.

For them it culminated in a newly formed marriage.

That doesn't whitewash everything or legitimize anything. It doesn't make the lies true or the profane sacred.  And it doesn't create a family out of broken people.

At the end of the day though, it's really their problem.

I have to wonder what it's like to watch your lover lie to your son convincingly and then trust your lover to tell you the truth.

I have to wonder what it's like to sneak and steal and then trust your lover to be forthcoming and authentic.

And I have to wonder what it's like to look at each other and see exactly what ugliness lies beneath the surface coating.

What happened to me at the hands of two people who claimed to love me, well, it was horrible.

Two people I trusted betrayed everything I held sacred.

I poured out my heart to my husband who was supposed to be my other half, the bedrock of my life and he shared it all with a friend who claimed she only had my best interest at heart.  They laughed at me in my greatest pain and weakness.  I felt paranoid and thought I was mentally ill. I was a victim of two people who went out of their way to make me feel like everything that was happening was my fault.

Piece by piece, I reclaim my self.

I have reconnected with people I shut out of my life in my paranoia and hurt.  Every place I go, I find acceptance and love and joy.

I have made new friends and find that the better they know me, the more they love me.  And the reverse is true too.

I have built a space that my sons call home, and it's so beautiful I wake up in wonder every day.

And today when I found my bottles of antidepressants and anxiety medication in a cupboard, I tossed them down the drain with a smile in my heart.

Mentally ill.  Pffft.


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