Ya Ain't Outta the Woods

In the middle of the journey of our life
I came to myself within a dark wood
Where the straight way was lost.
         (Dante's Inferno as translated by John D. Sinclair)

Is there really much more to say about Tiger Woods and his wife? 

In the stack of mail from my two-day absence, there are five publications we receive regularly.  Of the five, three covers have a picture of Tiger Woods with or without his wife.

I haven't read any of the articles and I haven't watched any of the newscasts.  I imagine most of the news "reports" are heavily censorious and dramatic, especially the ones concerning the women who engaged in relationships with Mr. Woods.  In the few clips I have inadvertently viewed, the reporters are almost gleeful as they make their report.  This is news?  This is what the Woods children will find when they google their dad's name?

I believe something really sad happened in that family.  They can choose to work through their tragedy or they can call it quits. 

Regardless of what choice they make, their story belongs to them.  Why do we believe their story is ours?  When did we get the "right" to intrude in this - or any other - story?  Should a man lose his right to privacy because he repeatedly gets a low golf score and earns millions of dollars?  Should a woman lose hers because her husband fails? Should anyone benefit or suffer financially thanks to their sexual habits? 

Our culture - the culture of "Just Do It" - is not friendly to marriage. In fact, we often hear that fifty percent of marriages fail. 

There are valid reasons a marriage fails - abuse, addiction, and adultery top the list.  But I think a vast number of marriages fail because people are selfish.  Couples quit marriage when it no longer feels good to be married or when a person is asked to give up too much or when being with someone is too much work or when one or the other falls out of love.

Shouldn't the very promise of marriage - the covenant - safeguard us against those things? 

In the mid-80s, long before my own wedding day, I read a quote from Thornton Wilder's The Skin of Our Teeth.  George (Adam of Old Testament fame) is packing his bag, planning to leave his wife (Eve).  She says to him:

I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.

Marriage is not easy - not in the best of circumstances.  The covenant binds two people, creating a new entity, an "us".  The new us is a blend of the original me-s.  The act of marrying births a paradigm shift; life will never be the same again.  As a spouse, I no longer indulge in my own wants and desires; I want what's best for us.  When I am selfish, I fail.  Sometimes my husband fails.  Yet failure isn't the end of a good story; it's the beginning of a new chapter.

Within successful marriages, I believe spouses quickly recognize their own failures and try to mend disharmony.  When a couple no longer has the energy or desire to mend the disharmony, one or the other becomes resentful, angry, and bitter.  Those negative emotions lead to attempts to get even or escape the marriage.

Consider Willy Loman, Arthur Miller's main character in Death of a Salesman. 

Loman is a traveling salesman.  Initially all he wants is to give his wife the best of everything and he amasses debt beyone his ability to pay.  Thanks largely to the stress of his financial situation and the belief that she caused it, Loman starts to resent his wife.  Seeking escape from the tragedy of his life, he commits adultery with "The Woman" in Boston.  Loman's son Biff discovers the affair. 

Biff's heart breaks and he confronts his father:  why would his father buy The Woman stockings, he asks, when his father should be buying stockings for his mother.  Biff allows himself to become a victim of his father's adultery; he's so distraught he fails math, a precursor for future failure in other areas of his life.  The message?  Adultery is ugly and can ruin a family.  Loman's own certainty that his family would be better off were he dead results in his suicide.

I don't know what happened between the Mr. and Mrs. in the Woods story, and they're far from out of this dark wood they've entered.  Regaining what they've lost will consume their energy for months, if not longer. 

Theirs is not my story.  I won't listen to the details.  I won't participate in their humiliation.  I certainly will not remember the name of any woman who gained fame sharing her body with a married man. 

Instead, in the still corners of my heart, I pray for them.