And Now I'm Alone... Ack!

This morning began at six am.  Joe, the boys, and Mariah needed to be up getting ready for their return to the United States.  I think they're a little torn: happy to return, but wanting to experience more...

I hope this trip opened doors for them.  I hope they experience the world.  I hope they forget in a hurry how cranky I was all week.  And I hope I didn't just drag them all this way out of selfishness.
We were mostly prepared for departure last night.  I'd moved most of my stuff to my new apartment (more to come on this place!) after class while they toured their sea town.  I needed one more journey, one made by Joe, Adam, and me last night.  We finally went to bed around 0100. 

For about a half hour this morning there was "stuff" to do.  I did what I could, trying to avoid the thought that within three hours I'd be alone in a major city.  Alone in a place where not a single person cared what I did for the rest of the day or whether I made it safely home at night or whether I had toilet paper in the bathroom.  Good Lord.  What was I thinking?

Finally, they were ready.  Adam was annoyed with me - partly because he always is and partly because he stayed up way too long last night.  Jakob, I think, was tired and also nervous about me not being home this month.  Mariah was tired.  Joe.  He's tricky.  He was ready to go home, but maybe not ready to leave me.  He took care of me to the last minute, making sure I had chargers and money and maps with directions to all the good places. 

Let me play a flashback.  Last week when we arrived, I asked Jakob whether he was nervous about this upcoming month.  His response took me aback. I was wondering if he was nervous about his diet without me there, but he has a bigger worry: "I'm not sure.  You're not going to be there."  I didn't think I was abandoning anything to come here.  Of course, I applied before Jakob's diagnosis and Adam's issues. 

The dread moment arrived.  It was time for them to go.  My boys held me with love and something else, something sweet.  They want the best for me, but - I think - will miss me.  Joe held me too.  Many times.  This is so hard.  I blame it on him.  I said, "this is your fault," to which he replied with that look he gives me when I'm stupid. "Had you said 'no' I couldn't go, I wouldn't be facing being alone."  Of course his reply was classic Joe, and nonverbal.

I watched from the window as they moved to the street and then as the cab arrived.  They loaded their stuff.  I heard Mariah shout "goodbye" and Jakob gave me a last sweet wave with a grin.  They are on their way home where we all belong. 

22 days from now, I'll be there too.

I stayed in the apartment until I was done crying.  But for the rest of the day when I saw the back of the taxi, I had flashbacks to my last sight of them in Spain.