The Day of the Big Three

Much of my story has yet to be shared. 

The 529,929 minutes I spent doing recovery at Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge is a treasure trove of content. I went with the notion I'd be there for 90 days, give or take. It was my understanding with God, actually. 

God spoke to my heart on October 1, 2021, and said, Listen. Let me drive for 90 days, Kari Ann. And I was so exhausted and so out of ideas, so I was in accord. FINE, GOD! FINE. Let's do it your way. 

Once in the program, I went quickly from the Short Term Women's program to the Long Term Women's program. Short term treatment is a hot mess. To be real, all treatment is hot mess, but those earlier days were hotter than the rest. I wanted out from the moment I walked in. But I don't walk out on my promises, especially the ones I make with God himself. 

By the week after Thanksgiving, I was in the much less chaotic LTW program and shortly thereafter had my care team, consisting of a Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor (LADC), a chaplain, and a therapist. 

It was rare to see them all at once, but that did happen once. And on that day each posed a question that gave me pause. 

It started with my chappie, Lindsay, who asked "Why are we here, Kari?" 

I mean. WT... How do you answer that? 

Then my little therapist, the boy genius, posed his biggie: what do we do when we come up aginst something we can't change? 

I mean. What can't we change? Aside from the obvious, like death? Taxes? Stupid people? I have radical acceptance of those things. Everyting esle? Fair game. 

And then Bill. LADC. The one I didn't want and couldn't get rid of. 

"What if you say fuck it TC. I see you. I take your rules. I am going to thrive anyway." 

I mean. Game on. 

Big questions. 

I still don't really know why we're here. I guess part of my answer is that it's something to do with sanctification, obvs. We aren't ready for heaven yet. We're raw, sinning, selfish messes, for the most part. 

Maybe here we get a chance to figure out some things about being a part of the body of Christ. 

Maybe here we get to choose Christ. 

Maybe here we get to edify. 

I don't know. 

I do know I have no fear of what comes next and I won't hold on to this world. It's not my home and I was not made for it. I hold the hope and promise of heaven. How can this compare? 

And as for TC? I did thrive and continue to thrive. 

I'm grateful for the time and space to become. I know I have been blessed with supernatural healing; I don't understand it and I am grateful for it every single day, and also grateful that spending my 529,929 minutes inside the TC bubble was part of the journey in obedience and surrender I needed to take. 

I have not turned TC into my idol and do not believe it was the only path to sobriety or even that my sobriety depends on TC. 

Still, I have a healthy appreciation for that time and space. 

But...

The things we can't change? 

Holy. 

So many things. 

I do have radical acceptance. 

That doesn't mean I don't grieve for those immutable, unwavering, stupid things, just as I am grateful for where bumping up against those things have taken me. 

Dialectical, indeed.