I got back to myself in 2024.
and so i rise...
"In spite of everything I shall rise again: I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in my great discouragement, and I will go on with my drawing." Vincent Van Gogh
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
twenty-four for twenty four
I got back to myself in 2024.
Tuesday, July 4, 2023
More on Starting Over
Relapse is common in recovery. In fact, the relapse rate is 40-60%.
When I first went to treatment in 2015, I felt so good sober that I could not imagine ever again taking a drink.
I was finally free of a toxic marriage and unhealthy work environment. I had a brilliant idea for a new business and was creating a new life for myself, one in which what I wanted and dreamed could be real.
The Teen Challenge outpatient group leader and peers referrenced relapse quite often. Wondering why it was such an over-discussed topic, I halfway ignored it and doodled in my notepad.
It wasn't until I woke up in jail in early June 2016 that I realized relapse is a real thing, it does happen to most addicts, and it can never be completely unexpected.
In fact, there are plenty of warning signs. I was in relapse long before I took a drink.
I just lacked the courage to face those things I spent so much time avoiding until it was too late.
So then I did the only thing I could do. I started over.
Friday, June 16, 2023
Trace the Thread
There's some unfinished business over on this here blog.
On Sober Day #623, I've been thinking about some history, especially in relationship to my family.
One recurring thought is this: we were an experiement of hope for our parents.
More to come...
Tuesday, August 25, 2020
I look at people who do it all day and manage to avoid looking scruffy.
I don't have that skill at all. By the time I've left the house, there's already a splotch of something I won't notice until I've already left the driveway. Or a paw print. Or a bunch of dog hair.
I realized today that those who avoid looking scruffy aren't keeping their whites any whiter than mine. They're just wearing their splotchy whites with confidence and gusto.
I wonder if it isn't the same about our inner selves.
I wonder if all those people walking around with confidence aren't hiding a spirit as splotchy as my own.
Thursday, April 18, 2019
On that Day in 1988
My parents gave me a pearl necklace at the time of my graduation. I still have it, though I rarely wear it. But I see it now and then. I cherish it. But I don't clutch many pieces of my family tightly. I think it is far too painful.
On that day in 1988, I was young and fresh and vibrant. I had the whole world at my feet, and I believed I would conquer it. I knew some basics about Jesus. I was a daughter with parents still married to each other. I was a sister to Staci and Scott. I was a girlfriend to a man I reckoned I would marry because he was so good at always doing what he said. I was a friend to an eclectic group of people. I was college-bound with a bright future. I thought I knew who I was and who I would contiue to be.
I didn't know then how many of those things that seemed like promise would actually hold me away from the life I was made to live. I didn't know then that changing my mind was an option. I certainly didn't know then how to listen for the Holy Spirit to guide me to the right path. I didn't know how much of myself I would lose and how uncertain I would become about everything - even to the point of no longer knowing who I was or what I was supposed to be doing.
I thought I had it all on that day in 1988. And for the next several years it only got better. College went well. I married my sweetheart. I had my babies. I went to work with my family.
When my life feel completely apart and I was left separated from my family and my spouse and my friends and my career and my church, I was devastated and truly floundered for several years. What took the place of all those years of expectation and rejection and emptiness is truly beautiful. God has done great work in me.
I am blessed.
Peace,
Kari
Monday, January 7, 2019
Get Your Armour, Man! The Battle is On!
The Armor of God (from Ephesians 6:10-18)
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguiush all the flaming arros of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,
There's more on armor in Wisdom 5:17-20: The Lord will take his zeal as his whole armor, and will arm all creation to repel his enemies; he will put on righteousness as a breast plate, and wear impartial justice as a helmet; he will take holiness as an invincible shield, and sharpen stern wrath for a sword, and creation will join with him to fight against his frenzied foes.
And still more in Romans 13:12-14: The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenenss, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and ndo not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Evidently, the instruction to don our armor is important.
What is it we battle? Demons are real. Satan is real. Hatefulness toward ourselves and others is real.
Still, the exortation is not to go and fight out own battle. To the contrary, every piece of armor points us to trust in God for our strength and our protection. So we pick up these spiritual tools, lean on and in to God, and march into battle, fearless and courageous. We were told in Isaiah 54:17 long before that "No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. That is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from me," says the Lord.
Christians who live with and by Holy Spirit live embattled. Spiritual warfare is a real thing. But those weapons formed against us? They powerless until we give them power. We give them power by hearing the lies, by condemnation, by letting sin have freedom.
So.
Take up the armor. Salvation. Righteousness. Peace. Faith. Truth. And Holy Spirit. Do it by resting in the Word. Share it with others. Worship. Breathe it in.
Peace,
Kari
Sunday, December 23, 2018
On Reconciliation and Revisiting
Today at Passion, we heard Pastor Herzozog talk about reconciliation. Great teaching, friends! And linked to the beloved hymn, "Hark the Herald Angels Sing." Check out this lyric:
"Hark! the herald angels sing,Here'a YouTube of one of my favorite versions of the hymn.
"Glory to the new-born king!
Peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."
Pastor shared the story of the Christmas 1914 in Belleau Wood when the solders - many barely more than boys - put down their weapons and met across the battlefield to sing "Silent Night" after which they spent the night in fellowship, connected by their faith in Christ rather than sitting in their trenches separated by the hatred they had been taught.
He spent the rest of his sermon talking about reconciliation. Here are some high points:
- Jesus himself brought peace in a radical way to the early Church: "for he himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall, by abolishing his flesh in the enmity, which is the Law of commandments contained in ordinances, so that in himself he might make the two into one new man, thus establishing peace, and might reconcile them both in one body through the cross, by it having put to death the enmity" (Ephesians 2:14-16). In Christ, in other words, peace is not an option. If we believe in what Christ did on the cross, we believe we are made for peace, here on earth.
- We are not promised peace in all things - that there won't be wars or struggles. No. We are not promised that. But we are promised that we can have peace - personal peace - right here on earth in the midst of whatever else is happening.
- On reconciliation, Paul tells us this truth: "Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses agains them, and he has committed to us the word of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). So. We are ministers of reconciliation, which is so very different from engaging in conflict resolution. Let's forgive. Let's learn to let it go. Let's love one another fully.
- Conflict resolution is coming to terms with transgression, in a sense. It's really allowing each party to the conflict take part in resolving an issue and often the resolultion is not completely agreeable to any party, but is a compromise to appease each party. Reconciliation, to the contrary, is bringing the balance to zero. Accountants do that when they reconcile their bank or other accounts. For Christians, bringing the balance to zero means there is nothing left over after the reconciliation occurs; the transgression is gone and the balance is zero.
- Even earlier in his letters, Paul tells us how God wants us to practice love. In 1 Corinthians 13, there is a list of what love is (Remember this one? Love is patient, love is kind...?), and Paul clearly states: "Love keeps no record of wrongdoing" or as stated in NASB: it "does not take into account a wrong suffered" (5).
- When we pray like Jesus taught us, we say "forgive us our trespasses/sins as we forgive those who trespass against us." I guess, if I want forgiveness for my sin, I need to offer forgiveness to others for their transgressions - and I need to offer that forgiveness whether they ask for it or not. And why not do that? We've already been promised forgiveness by Christ himself.
- Hatefulness, bitterness, the failure to truly love... those things are like cancer. And cancer never stays where it starts. Forgiveness is the cure for that particular cancer.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Ending This Story
I won't give away any details of the weekend; you have to get there for that.
Some stuff happened that I will share.
Three men offered me some Grace.
The first one told me that we get our sense of God the father from our earthly fathers. Our sense of the Holy Spirit comes from our mothers. How we perceive Jesus comes from our brothers and sisters.
Well, holy yikes. I don't have a clear view of what any of those relationships are meant to be. But the picture is starting come into focus.
The second one talked to me about his vision of the Holy Spirit in me specifically. "Why are you resisting the Holy Spirit." Here's why. I don't know the steps. What do I have to do to hear what the Holy Spirit is saying. "Nothing, beautiful warrior princess, daughter of a heavenly king. There's nothing to do; you just have to be."
Well, I don't know how to do that yet. But I'm close. Soooooooooooooo close!
The third one wrote me a letter about what he sees at work in me. That letter... Well, I'm going to cherish it. He spoke to me as his sister, as a loving and gentle man of God, and his words resonate. There is work to do for the Kingdom and I have a role to play.
Just before I left for my three days with Jesus, I spoke to my counselor about my changing role in treatment: "You are now a senior peer. You have a strong voice in recovery. I see you making a difference in people's lives. Don't be afraid to be who you are. Share your story."
I may not be able to hear the Holy Spirit myself yet. But you know? My truth holders can. And I can hear what they're saying.
There is something magnificent happening.
And I'm going to let it happen.
There's no place for Satan or any of my past demons, there's no place for hatred, and there's no place for doubt.
So, friends, this story ends right here, right now. I am breaking the chains of the past.I'm opening a new chapter, with a new plot, a new storyline, and some ass-kicking new characters.
If you want to come with me on this new journey, send me an email to: kari.kounkel@gmail.com for the linker.
Peace,
Kari
Thursday, November 3, 2016
I'll Be a Storytella'
And that's that. I'm laying it all down at the foot of the cross, and I'm resting in the trust I have in God's unbreakable Word: "Don't worry, kiddo," he says in a chiding tone. "I got this."12 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, [a]acceptable to God, which is your [b]spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this [c]world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may [d]prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect.3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. 4 For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, [f]according to the proportion of his faith; 7 if [g]service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; 8 or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with [h]liberality; he who [i]leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; [j]give preference to one another in honor; 11 not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, 13 contributing to the needs of the [k]saints, [l]practicing hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute [m]you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but [n]associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. 17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. [o]Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but [p]leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I'm not going to stop writing about what's happening. My story is powerful, my voice is powerful, and I am assuming the role of a mentor in recovery. While living the twelfth step, I will be telling my story over and over and over again. Count on it. It's when we start talking about what God has done in our lives that we become storytellers (Morgan Harper Nichols paraphrase).
Fr Harry once said to me, I want you to be the hero of your own story.
And you know what? So do I.
Peace,
Kari
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Holding My Truth
Historically women have provided one another with emotional support and friendship when marriages were often arranged for reasons other than relationship. And those relationships were not exclusive relationships. No, women created webs of friendship. Says Caroll Smith-Rosenberg, "Friends did not form isolated dyads but were normally part of highly integrated networks."
Today commentary about female friendships proliferate. Rebecca Traister, in her own NY Times article dated February 28, 2016, writes, "Women who find affinity with one another are not settling... they may be doing the opposite, finding something vital."
I struggled with female relationships. My mother was not a good model for me in this respect as in others. Still, I navigated my way into some beautiful friendships. I often found them tarnished though when my husband would talk about his fantasies: "When you said she was here, I imagined I'd come home and find both of you naked waiting for me in our room."
Right. Because that often happens outside of pornographic films.
I also didn't talk about some of the most horrible things in my life with any of my female friends. I felt like sharing things about my marriage would be disloyal to my husband. My mother-in-law unwittingly underscored that belief when I went to her early in my marriage. I told her about some of the things my husband wanted and she advised, "Men want a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom." I thought that meant all men wanted the things my husband did, and stopped talking about it.
And then a friend got involve with a married man, and I thought telling her my story about my husband and I would show her what it's like to be the wife of a man who was being pursued by another woman. I shared everything: his porn addiction and how that played out in our lives, how an employee turned his head to the point of convincing him to send intimate pictures of me to her, and how painful all of it was for me.
It didn't educate her or stop her from her own quest to destroy a marriage. Instead it changed her target. After I poured out my heart, she started texting my husband and they played games like Adult Truth or Dare. She propositioned us to conduct a partner swap during a weekend stay at a casino. And she ultimately married my husband.
One could imagine an experience like that creating a deep mistrust of women, an unwillingness to be vulnerable again.
It hasn't, oddly.
The opposite has happened.
I find myself in profoundly beautiful relationship with the women who held my truth for me until I was strong enough to hold it myself.
And that kind of friendship is worth vulnerability, and even potential pain.
Bob Marley wrote "the truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
My truth holders have not let me believe I am worthless or unworthy. They have felt righteous anger on my behalf when I couldn't feel it myself. They have been patient and kind with me when I'm hateful to myself.
Thank God for the truth holders.
And thank God for my developing ability to hold my own truth.
Peace,
Kari
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Owning My Story
Having made the decision to insulate myself from bullies, I've found myself developing my own sense of safety.
My mother was the most enduring of the bullies. Her latest effort occurred this past spring. My sister and I were trying to help mom unravel her financial mess. She hadn't filed taxes in eight years, had no money in reserve, and was being taken advantage of by many people in her life.
But she only knows what she knows and fear often convinces us to stay with what we know rather than venturing into the unknown. She suddenly decided to fight against our attempts to help her. As I have always been, I was her target.
Sitting at her house one afternoon, I was trying to explain the paperwork she'd received. She became enraged. She turned on me, spewing forth her vitriol like she always has. She threatened to call Wright County and tell them I abused her physically and that I was drinking, both of which would violate my probation. For a brief time, I was locked into the misery of the inevitability of being drawn back into the darkness of her world.
Then I realized I did have some power. I called Wright County myself and asked them to come take a report. They did, and I felt safe from her threats for another day.
This week yet another family member attempted to bully me. The whole story is convoluted and nasty, and I'll finish telling it another day.
Briefly, my aunt and I went to court over a financial matter. When the judge told us to try to resolve it, my aunt slapped me. Though I reported it to deputies and the clerk, no one was willing to do anything. On the verge of a massive anxiety and panic attack, I opted to leave rather than stay and defend myself with my receipts proving I didn't owe the money. My journey to improved mental health, to a sense of safety, and to a sense of healthy autonomy mattered more to me than the money.
Once that judgement was entered, my cousin started calling me demanding payment. If I had the money I already spent on my aunt's home, I could sure do that. But I don't have it. He has suggested I am a horrible person, that I treat family poorly, that I am dishonorable, that my immortal soul is in jeopardy, and that I am a worthless piece of garbage. He has threatened to put a lien against my developing business and take out a full page ad in the Monticello Times so someone else can help him collect "his" debt.
And in all the horror of his hurtful accusations and words, I realized something. The work I'm doing in therapy is working. I didn't have the physiological response I would normally have had to his behavior. I used to experience all the heightened symptoms of anxiety and panic, a spike in my blood pressure, the sinking inevitability of judgment by others, and digestive issues. In this episode, I cried a lot, and I experienced severe shaking, but none of the other things happened. It didn't even result in that horrible sensation of doom that always made it impossible for me to sleep at night. I was able to recognize that it's not me that's horrible, unworthy, unlovable, or wrong, and I called those who love and support me, warts and all.
Yep, this is all bad. It's awful to deal with the notion that justice seems to be on my aunt's side and that public perception is that I've horribly treated her. And the courts seem to agree as they've issued a judgment.
Even if all of that were true, I do not deserve my cousin's behavior.
And so, I'm taking back my power. I'm telling the truth in my own forum and with documentation. I'm owning my own mistakes. And, ultimately, I'm outing the bully. Enough is quite literally enough.
Peace,
Kari
Monday, October 17, 2016
Evil Genius Assignment #18: A World Without Feelings
Peace,
Kari
PS: I don't publish comments at this time, but I do appreciate what you have to say. Thank you for taking the time to read and thoughtfully reply!
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Women and Friendship
The first time I shared my whole story with someone, though, it didn't turn out so well. The recipient of my confidences is now married to my husband. She used the information I offered freely because I thought it would help her cope with some things in her own life to entice him. He's no innocent bystander, of course. But that's a separate story.
Factor in that my mother is a wounded person herself and that she actively seeks to cause me harm when I interact with her. I remember a day in March 2014 when Joe was advising me to go to the funeral for CC's mother. I was shocked that he'd offer that advice at the time; her and I were no longer friends. I didn't know, of course, that the two of them were already intimately involved with one another and he wanted a reason to be there to support her in her grief.
Me: I think I'll send something to the H family.
Joe: Don't you think you should go to the funeral.
Me: Hell no.Why would that even be a good idea?
Joe: I'm sure everyone's pretty sad and would like the support.
Me: I know what it's like to lose a mother, Joe. I lost mine a long time ago.
Joe: You're awful. Why can't you just be nice?
Me: ...
There's a wealth of material in that two-minute interaction. For now, I'm just going to let that rest.
My focus is on building relationship with women.
Considering my history, how does one accept women genuinely and authentically?
...
I don't know the answer.
Peace,
Kari